


Never Sayin' Goodbye

by BornToLose



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21704443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornToLose/pseuds/BornToLose
Summary: After Freddie's death, John thinks about what could have been...
Relationships: John Deacon/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22
Collections: Deacury Week 2019





	Never Sayin' Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Yesterday's birthday gift to myself (a little belated for the Deacury Week prompt 'mourning') is some big angst. Don't say I didn't warn you

What John felt after finding out Freddie had passed away was indescribable, but you could say for sure that it was the worst thing he'd ever experienced since his father had died. Back then, he'd had his mum and sister's support, as well as the motivation to look forward and do something with his life that would make his dad proud. But now it was even more painful. Yes, Brian and Roger and many other people who had been close to Freddie were grieving too, but to him, it was vastly different. He'd known for some time he was going to lose his best friend, yet he never gave up hope that a miracle would happen and his life would be saved. It wasn't completely impossible, right? Science constantly developed new medications and ways to cure illnesses, so why not Freddie's?

Though he had looked really sick the last time he'd seen him months ago, he wished it wasn't true and Freddie would show up the next morning, completely healthy and everything would be like before. It didn't happen.

He really was gone and John knew he could never get over it. All those memories were too much to just forget about and unlike Freddie's parents, he would never be able to say it happened and that's okay if his time was over. Freddie was his best friend, his confidant, his soul brother. He was the one who had taken the young man under his wing when he'd joined the band over twenty years ago. He cared for him like a big brother, seemingly protecting him from the world and helping him with his social anxiety whenever he could. Another reason John fell into a deep depression was because he'd always felt more for Freddie than a friend. Ever since the beginning of Queen, he'd been in love with him. Although he'd married Veronica less than four years later, this feeling never faded away. He really loved her, no question, but he couldn't stop feeling about him this way, even during his marriage.

It didn't help much, but he tried to cheer himself up a little by thinking about all the happy moments. Especially that one time they shared a hotel room in Tokyo during their Sheer Heart Attack Tour.

_John was just scribbling down some lyrics in his notebook when Freddie came into the room. "Hey Deaky! Oh, sorry," he added quietly upon noticing he was working._

_He stepped closer and looked over his shoulder, reading the title. 'You're My Best Friend'. "A song about me? I feel honoured!" He dramatically placed a hand over his heart and laughed before sitting down on the bed next to him._

_The bassist only smiled. He wasn't too wrong about that… He continued writing as his friend watched him attentively. "Veronica must be a lucky woman to have you," he nearly sighed, laying back. Or at least it sounded like that to John._

_He nodded silently, slowly. "I suppose," he murmured. And another line. Another sickeningly sweet wave of praise. And at last a final stroke, finishing the cheesy ballad before he read through the lyrics once more._

_"Do you have a melody in mind yet?" Freddie asked._

_"Uh… yeah, I sort of came up with one while learning to play piano," he admitted sheepishly._

_"It wasn't that horrible Wurlitzer, was it?"_

_John joined in the bickering, holding back a grin. "It's not that bad!"_

_"Anyway," the older man shook his head, letting out a breathy chuckle. "Can I hear it please?"_

_"We don't have a piano here-"_

_"No no, I mean," he shifted on the bed, quickly scanning over the lyrics. "Can you sing a bit?"_

_John really didn't like singing in front of people. He firmly believed he couldn't sing, so he always sang to himself when writing songs. He was very self-conscious of his voice; of course, it was nothing compared to Freddie's or his other bandmates'. But suddenly he felt like he could build up the courage to sing to somebody else. Probably only because it was just him and Freddie. Plus, since he actually dedicated the song to him, he deserved to hear those words directly from him instead of singing them himself and leaving everything to the imagination. He thought it would be more meaningful than just playing the melody on the electric piano._

_"Alright." He nodded, earning a smile from his friend._

_At first, he was really quiet, rather humming the melody than singing. Glancing up the older man, who gave him an encouraging nod, he finally started to actually sing. It was only now that he noticed how fitting the lyrics were as he practically sang the song to the person he had written it for. Just the two of them, sitting on the bed in their hotel room. There wasn't any less space between them than usual, yet it felt like they were closer than ever before in this moment._

_God, how much he wanted to tell him, 'This is your song. I wrote it for you and I mean every single word of it.' But the lump in his throat didn't allow him to do so when he was done. He swallowed it and finally looked up into Freddie's eyes. "Do you like it?"_

_"No, I love it!" He smiled genuinely, blinking. "Really, it's a lovely song. That's a sweet thing to do for Ronnie…" he trailed off. "Has she heard it yet?"_

_John shook his head and his heart was beating faster. If only he knew that he hadn't, in fact, written it for her. Now his eyes couldn't leave Freddie's deep brown ones. He was captivated. Hopefully, he'd understand who it was really for after he didn't give a proper reply to his assumptions that the song was for Veronica._

_He had a feeling Freddie's face had gotten closer and all of a sudden, he felt a warm hand cupping his cheek and soft lips crashing into his. Although he had no idea what was happening, his eyes instinctively fluttered shut. Barely hesitating, he kissed him back, their lips moving in sync for a few seconds before Freddie abruptly pulled away, presumably realizing what they were doing._

_His eyes nervously drifted from one side of the room to the other, desperate to avoid the younger man's face. His voice was shaky, his eyes were wet with tears and John immediately felt bad for possibly initiating this. "I-I'm really sorry, John! I shouldn't have done this, I- You're married! Oh God, this was so wrong!"_

_Yes, it was wrong, but it felt so right! John didn't even have time to say a word as Freddie stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He only wanted to tell him it's okay and he shouldn't feel guilty because he let him. He couldn't bear to see his best friend getting hurt, but what made it even more insufferable was that they were both equally hurt and Freddie didn't know._

_For the following weeks - months even - they kept pretending that nothing had happened, but there definitely were some changes. Neither of them really knew how to feel about the other and what the other felt. Still, they tried to make everything not forgotten, but get along just as well as before. It wasn't like they'd gotten into a fight or something, they'd just left that incident not talked about when they clearly should have had._

_They started working on the new album in summer and as they were recording Freddie's vocals for "You're My Best Friend", he always held eye contact with with John. The look in his eyes seemed to be an apology for what had happened the first time he'd heard the song. But the way he sang the lyrics made it sound so beautiful that the younger man was beginning to think it was intentional and Freddie was trying even harder to convey the message of the song than usual. He even asked for more takes because he wasn't quite happy with the sound of certain parts here and there. But the more times he sang it, the more melancholic John got. Sure, it was a happy song and he appreciated that Freddie wanted to make it perfect, but he was getting anxious. Anxious about that one time he presented his song to his best friend, who also happened to be the one the song was dedicated to. What should he have done? Not kissed him back and let him believe he had no interest in him? Get him to stay, thus cheating on his pregnant wife? To be honest, neither way was a good solution._

_The next song on the list was "Love of My Life", a song by Freddie. When asked who it was written for, he replied, "No one."_

_John believed it - until he paid special attention to the lyrics and started interpreting the meaning. Especially 'You've broken my heart and now you leave me' hit him hard. Did this have something to do with him? He was pretty sure it did. He had broken his heart, yes, but Freddie was the one who had left him after the kiss… He doubted it was about anyone else, given the circumstances. By the way, it couldn't have been a coincidence that Freddie occasionally shot him a kind of sad glance while singing. Once he finished the song, he asked, "How was that, Deaky?"_

_He gulped and nodded, giving him a slightly forced smile. "It- it's good! I like it." John really did, but something about this situation made him sick. Suddenly, he was miserable for making Freddie feel this way. Did he mean it that he was the love of his life? Because if so, he felt the same for him. But what if he just misinterpreted the lyrics and it was actually completely out of context?_

_"Excuse me," he murmured before rushing outside. His head was spinning and he leaned against a wall in the corridor, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself down._

_Only Roger followed fifteen minutes later to ask if he was okay. "I'm fine, d-don't worry," he said, trying to act normal, but the tear stains on his cheeks betrayed him._

_The blond frowned and nodded slowly. "Talk to me if you need to, okay?" He patted his shoulder and went back inside, leaving John alone with his abstruse thoughts._

_The following years, John constantly tried to get Freddie back, even though he wasn't exactly getting him 'back', as they'd never been dating. He just wanted him to give him a second chance. In the meantime, Veronica had found out about his secret feelings for his best friend and although there were some arguments and crying, she'd eventually accepted it. They still loved each other and didn't even consider a divorce, but John thought it would be unfair not to let his wife know, so he'd rather told her before anything serious happened._

_However, his efforts didn't seem to impress the older man much. He figured Freddie was beginning to think of him as a brother again and there was nothing he could do about that. His hopes sunk lower and lower, but especially when he was introduced to Jim, Freddie's new partner, the tiny part of him that had thought it was possible they'd ever get together was gone too. He was a nice guy and he got along well with him, yet he was incredibly jealous that he was in the place John had wanted to be in for years._

What had started out as a happy memory turned into a sad one pretty quickly. John squeezed his eyes shut, the tears not seeming to stop falling. He felt devastated, guilty and angry all at the same time. Why hadn't he just told him when he'd had the chance? Maybe their relationship would have worked and he would have still been alive then… He was tearing up, his heart shattering into a million little pieces. Anywhere he'd go, he would always see his face or hear his voice, his name, people talking about him. The love of his life, his best friend.

In two decades, John had never managed to say those three words. He had never gotten to tell Freddie how he really felt about him. And now he would never know...


End file.
